The Hellsing Crack Fic Series
by Chibi Neko Yuy
Summary: Hey everone, these stories are a combination of Hellsing cosplay, sugar, and late night msn conversations. They're not ment to be serious in any way.I do not own Hellsing or anything to do with the series.
1. Beach Trip

Hellsing Crack Fics

Chibi Neko Yuy

Hellsing Beach Trip

Millennium had been defeated and the Hellsing organization was taking a much needed holiday. In fact, they'd flown down to Australia. Currently they were in Sydney, on Bondi Beach enjoying the weather. Alucard was snoozing in the shade of a big red umbrella (he wouldn't go anywhere without accessories in his trademark red, naturally). Integra was working on her tan, the Hellsing life had left her as pale as her undead employees coughslavescough. Seras and her pet Schrodinger were digging and making sandcastles. Walter was enjoying the surf and the increased energy that came with a younger body. Father Anderson, who'd managed to come back YET AGAIN, had called a truce and joined them on this holiday. He'd brought some of the orphans under his care and they were having a game of beach cricket. Anderson was quite the bowler.

"Master, come play!" Seras begged from where she was building a fort around Schro.

Like a big cat, Alucard opened one eye to glare at his fledgling, before closing it and falling back asleep.

"Fine, you big meanie!" Seras huffed, going over to join in the cricket game. She showed considerable talent as a wicket keeper. Mainly due to her vampiric reflexes.

Schro, after shaking the sand out of his hair and ears, wandered over to curl up in the shade with Alucard. Said vampire grumbled but reluctantly put up with it, too relaxed to be properly annoyed.

"Where on earth did you learn to surf, Walter?" Integra asked when the butler-turned-vampire walked over.

"Now that's a secret, Sir Integra. Let's just say that it involved a lull in the war, a certain gender-switched Nosferatu, and a hidden beach in France." Walter smirked, putting down his surf board and wringing out his hair.

"Gender-switching? What's this I hear about gender-switching, Alucard?" Integra raised an eyebrow, sitting up.

"He truly earned the nickname 'Girlycard'." Walter snickered.

"WALTER! You said you wouldn't tell anyone of that!" Alucard roared, leaping to his feet and chasing said butler down the beach.

Everyone blinked before bursting into laughter.


	2. Wheelie Chair

Hellsing Crack Fics

Chibi Neko Yuy

The Wheelie Chair incident.

While Alucard cared little for the advancements humans had made while he had slept, occasionally there were things that grabbed his attention. The internet was one of them. He had great fun looking up all the various stories that had sprouted about his kind. He found it very amusing that teenage humans had developed vampire cults and altered themselves to resemble Nosferatu.

Strangely enough, another thing that caught his attention was…wheelie chairs.

It all started one day when he was following (read: stalking) the manor staff around as they did the cleaning. He'd woken earlier then usual and was bored. His master wasn't up yet and Walter was in the middle of a Red Dwarf marathon. The angel of death could be quite irate when interrupted in the middle of one of those. Ahem. As I was saying, he was stalking the staff while staying hidden in the walls, when he came to Integra's office.

Looking inside, he saw one of the maids sitting on his master's chair while another pushed her around the room.

At that moment, Walter stormed in and promptly scolded them, sending them back to their duties.

"Damn butler senses pulling me away from red dwarf." He grumbled.

"What was going on there?" Alucard asked, phasing out of the wall he'd been in.

"Those maids are always fooling around with Sir Integra's wheelie chair. They can be so immature some times. At least they are good at their job." Walter huffered, before heading back to his room.

"Yess…" Alucard muttered, eyeing the chair. As soon as Walter was out of range, Alucard sat himself on said chair. "I honestly don't see what they were so fussed ov…" at that moment Alucard kicked himself away from the desk, "WHEEEEEE!"

And thus the obsession began.

He began secretly hoarding wheelie chairs, stealing new ones whenever he was out on missions to build up his collection. Every size and shape imaginable, he wanted it. He even began ordering exotic ones on ebay. He was particularly fond of his Romanian wheelie chair. He named it fluffy.

This collection wasn't just for looking at. Oh no. Whenever there was a time that he had nothing to do, he was down in his secret chamber with the chairs.

"Hm, master is out with Walter and Seras is asleep, time for some fun… WHEEEEEEEE!"

However, after the millennium attack, his secret was soon revealed.

With Walter in the psychiatric ward while his loyalty to Hellsing was regained, Seras was left in charge of keeping the books for the organization. She soon noticed a strangely large sum was being spent on exotic wheelie chairs. She brought this to Integra's attention and they did some digging.

They traced the purchases to Alucard and soon discovered his secret stash. Naturally, Integra confronted him on this.

"Alucard, would you care to explain why you have been spending Hellsing money on wheelie chairs?" she questioned.

"Hm…no?" Alucard replied with shifty eyes.

"Let me rephrase that. Tell me why you have been hoarding wheelie chairs. NOW!" Integra demanded.

"Wheelie chairs…are…fun?" Alucard replied sheepishly.

Behind him, Seras had sat on fluffy and was now flying around the room on it.

"WHEEEEEE!!"


End file.
